I know he is here. I can tell he is in the house, though he is not supposed to be. He is supposed to be at a meeting with my Mum and yet I hear him clearing his throat upon occassion or give a cough. So I lay here, terrifies and exhausted after a night that truely and once again showed his ever-looming true colours and once again added more pain to my body, because the more stressed I am and the more he screams, the worse the pain gets due to muscle tightness and spasms and exhaustion. Being terrified is exhausting, truely.
But that is just how life is. For some of us, it sucks to no foreseeable end. My only hope at happiness is escaping this place, because once away you can hang up if you are being yelled at. My sister has, and it was glorious. I need to be treated like a rent paying adult, not a two year old. Yes I need a lot of help with many things but I am not infantile. And in a home that is small with no stairs I would be able to live my life, have groceries delivered when I cannot get there with assistance, prescriptions too.
He is also pissed off that after a year and a half of this I have yet to figure out a money-making job I can do from home that coes not require rolling around on an office chair. Well hello, that is life right now, this is still new to me and it may take time to figure this all out. I take pride in the things that I do when I can do them, you just rarely care about the same things in any way, shape or form.
Get on my wagon for a change, and let me try to find my own destiny please. I had a plan, and now it is unrealistic, so my couse has changed. I know it, everyone else seems to know it, so just hop on board and give me time to figure out mymlife plan for myself. I need to figure it out by myself, for myself.
Saturday, 5 November 2016
Friday, 4 November 2016
My Personal Soul Crusher
You know that person in your life that crushes everything good? That one person who every single time they open their mouth the words that blast out make you feel like you are being smushed under niagra falls' pounding stream of water and that nothing in life is worth it? Yes, I have one of those sad to say. Some would call it a father, but as of last week I just cannot do it anymore. Call him dad and be okay with it I mean.
He is the one person in my life who I am terrified of and every breath from his body, just knowing he is in the house scares me. He forced me, an adult to keep my door unlocked at all times day and night which I finally gave into, I'm even paying rent now and he still wants the doors unlocked, but I just cannot handle it anymore. I had a damn horrifying nightmare that he was murdering me, cutting me in half and now I cant sleep or even nap with the door unlcked anymore. Sorry, but nightmares really do show your truths and fears.
I have to get out of this house and into my own place, disability allowing of course, stupid body of painful stupidness. I need reprieve from the fear of his daily yellng at my Mum, yelling at me, at Mum again and at me again for not being able to be as mobile and physically perfect and pain free as he wants. Well go cry in a hole and bug someone else, I still have pain from surgery, i know it was over a month ago but i have my limitations on top of previous limitations and my pain from my incision areas (yes looking great, but still acting up in the belly button 24/7, and side occasionally) and quite frankly I do not care if you 'had no issues' this long after your surgery, everyone is different, especially severe chonic pain cases.
Long story shory, he makes me want to die sometimes....sometimes being pretty much daily, any time he opens his mouth and I just cannot handle the verbal abuse he hurls around at everyone. I wish all his club buddies knew, or could overhear the way he has been screaming at us all my entire life, Mums (his wife) and my sister's, because he would be blacklisted asap.. Heres to hoping he settles the heck down, my nightmares never come to light and he loses some gosh damn weight before he gets diabetes again! I may be upset but no one deserves diabetes.
He is the one person in my life who I am terrified of and every breath from his body, just knowing he is in the house scares me. He forced me, an adult to keep my door unlocked at all times day and night which I finally gave into, I'm even paying rent now and he still wants the doors unlocked, but I just cannot handle it anymore. I had a damn horrifying nightmare that he was murdering me, cutting me in half and now I cant sleep or even nap with the door unlcked anymore. Sorry, but nightmares really do show your truths and fears.
I have to get out of this house and into my own place, disability allowing of course, stupid body of painful stupidness. I need reprieve from the fear of his daily yellng at my Mum, yelling at me, at Mum again and at me again for not being able to be as mobile and physically perfect and pain free as he wants. Well go cry in a hole and bug someone else, I still have pain from surgery, i know it was over a month ago but i have my limitations on top of previous limitations and my pain from my incision areas (yes looking great, but still acting up in the belly button 24/7, and side occasionally) and quite frankly I do not care if you 'had no issues' this long after your surgery, everyone is different, especially severe chonic pain cases.
Long story shory, he makes me want to die sometimes....sometimes being pretty much daily, any time he opens his mouth and I just cannot handle the verbal abuse he hurls around at everyone. I wish all his club buddies knew, or could overhear the way he has been screaming at us all my entire life, Mums (his wife) and my sister's, because he would be blacklisted asap.. Heres to hoping he settles the heck down, my nightmares never come to light and he loses some gosh damn weight before he gets diabetes again! I may be upset but no one deserves diabetes.
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